Creativity Entwined

For many years I would try and give myself a week off work to concentrate on my painting - a week to get up early, walk and breathe deep for a couple of hours, come back ready to paint and pour out all the ideas stored up during the busy working weeks onto canvas and paper. Instead, to my dismay, I would encounter every possible distraction - unexpected visitors lovely as they are, every time-suckage creating problem imaginable and invitations to be elsewhere that were hard to turn down. Nothing painted and nothing created except disappointment in myself!

'Spinning the Dream' by Amber Caspian

In 2004 I embarked on training to become a Counsellor with a view to eventually becoming an Art Therapist. For three years I worked full time, went to college one day a week, andspent every evening either giving or receiving counselling, having supervision or writing essays. It was as if a part of me had wanted to throw myself into something interesting and forget about being an artist for awhile. However at the end of the course while gathering my notes, essays and journals together, to my surprise I also found that I had an large collection of poems, drawings, prints, quotes on creativity and one painting - begun and finished through the life of the course. I've posted the picture up before; originally called 'My Fear' it later changed as I let go of some of the fear that stopped me painting. I see it as a representation of my magical self spinning dreams of creating.


I realised that through the busiest and most stressful time of my life my creativity had founda way through. The ultimate distraction forced me to (unconsciously) fit little windows of creative time in. Literally 10 minutes here and there to jot down a line of a poem, coming back to it later to add to or finish it. Twenty minutes painting or printing on a Sunday afternoon, when I couldn't write another word or talk to anyone, was the greatest therapy I could have.


Eventually the work finishes itself because I'm not fretting about it or setting aside unrealistic amounts of time to start and complete something. A little bit at a time, step by small step, no pressure, no goals, simply doing...

So creativity doesn't necessarily need to have days and weeks put aside for it although it would be nice, or for us to give up work before we can do it or be it. Life can be lived and 'real' jobs can be done, all the while gently entwined with the fulfilment of our creative yearnings.

Creativity Entangled

Something I have wrestled with for many years has been artist's block, triggered by critical teachers and college traumas.  Over the years I have learned to play around with various unblocking techniques until I found a recipe that works for me.

The blocking feels like a massive full stop on my ability to paint or write.  I avoid doing creative work even though everything within me says I want to.  I'll even do things I actively hate instead of that which gives me the greatest pleasure in life.

Thankfully I now only tend to block in terms of putting paint or pen to paper for a final piece of work.  I still have ideas, so I let myself ride the storm of this difficult place by scribbling on the back of envelopes.  I sidestep the block by not being precious about where the ideas are recorded, no special paper or materials just backs of envelopes and a ball point pen.

Moon Hare Cape sketches (c) Amber Caspian, 2012 

I guess it's actually a question of what we regard as being blocked, reading that last paragraph back it sounds very much like an engagement with creativity.  However it is the feeling of disconnection with a part of ones creative self that can be painful, as past woundings often resurface.  It used to be that I shut off completely from the creative process.  No ideas, no connection to that inner self that knows and creates except a deep yearning and desperate sense of loss.

Today I recognise the triggers that cause me to close down almost immediately and feel that the key to unblocking is to sit with what has caused this response.  I have to get to a place where I can accept was is happening and stop beating myself up so I stop fighting the process.  Even though the word 'block'  and the feeling of a 'full stop' sound like immovable barriers, all they are really saying is - stop a moment, be still and listen to what is happening within.  It always boils down to not feeling good enough and the need for self acceptance.  Something that can be hard to hold onto when you are struggling to find time to paint and then spend your one day off cleaning the house.